PTSD and the bigger picture

PTSD was first brought to our attention in relation to war veterans and things they witnessed while on the front-lines.  It also can be a result from so many other things, rape, mugging, being tortured, being kidnapped or held captive, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, child abuse, natural disasters.  Basically, any situation a person has witnessed in their lives when they have had to go into a survival mode. It can manifest immediately after the incident or can come back years later.  The psyche is a wild place.  It wants to protect us from pain so we will block the memories- sometimes, until the person is ready to deal with it on a conscious level or when they are “violated” and triggered to remember.

It is a mental change that happens.  It can be linked to, but not always, low serotonin levels in the brain and other possible genes.  It is triggered by fear and situations where one feels in danger or will be harmed.  Everyone has s flight or fight mode, which is healthy but in PTSD patients, this is changed.  People with PTSD may feel stressed or frightened well after they are no longer in danger.  It weaves deeply into the psyche and isn’t something which a simple pill or counseling will cure.  It takes time of being self aware to break the patterns and programs these traumas have made. Many will never get the help they need and many will not find the right avenues to help them heal this wild and draining condition. Most will want to call them crazy. I have had friends whose loved ones wanted to lock them up, and I have lost many friends and loved ones from their lives because they do not have an understanding of what it is.

Recently I experience a bout of PTSD.  What most people do not understand is it took some time to realize that is what was happening to me.  It was something simple that triggered it. I had too much time on my hands from lack of work, which created huge worthiness issues.  It cracked open the door.  Then someone I trusted needed space to figure out some of their own life issues which added to the fear and abandonment.  What I thought or perceived as a solid foundation to lean on had left me. I was here again, all alone and rejected once more.  That push away helped me notice I have been in a survival mode from my move last March.  Being in a place with un-familiar surroundings and not really knowing anyone or having people to socialize with on a good mental level had already put me on the anxiety side, and I was ripe for the fear closet doors to open.  I felt abandoned, as if I was not worthy of love, like I will never amount to anything in this life.  It was like a borderline suicidal depression.

First and foremost, I never know what will trigger and episode.  That needs to be made clear. It doesn’t matter how much counseling, medication, etc. that each individual has, it still likes to rear its ugly head.  When that happens, it can change the personality till the cycle has run its course, if not self-aware, can last days, weeks, months or more.  They may even seem like or act like a different person.  It’s hard to explain unless you’ve witnessed it.  The person with PTSD falls into a past reality and mindset. SURVIVAL!  And, how does one survive?  We put up defenses, shields, and push the people away that triggered the PTSD.  The HUGE picture here is the ones whom love us the most that get the backlash of the episode.  We don’t mean it but are “wounded” in that moment or situation. Sometimes it brings about full flashbacks of the trauma, which are like being in that moment seen crystal clearly.  I had never understood exactly what a flashback was till I went through my original breakdown back in 2009.

Many times people want to call us crazy, which in fact we are not!  We are humans trying to understand how this disorder holds us hostage and preys at our every level of security.  Once triggered, the spiral starts and it takes conscious effort and loved ones around to help steer the person back into what is real, not what the person with PTSD perceives is happening.  I hope I can make that as clear as possible.  It is just as important for those around to bare witness and hold the space and help the person see true.  This can be a difficult task at best. 

We have been taught that certain behaviors are unacceptable, that when people lash out, act out, etc, it is wrong.  When people are in the middle of an episode, the person with PTSD has no clue what is happening other than they have turned into survival mode.  It’s like opening the door of the fear closet and throwing them into it and locking the door.  Everything at that time is happening in their brain. You cannot see it.  They look normal.  Those with PTSD seem to speak, mostly normal with some neediness and may feel like a person who is co-dependant or mentally messed up.  The truth is, WE DON’T KNOW IT IS HAPPENING UNTIL WE ARE IN IT.  It can last for days, weeks, even longer.  To the person having the episode, it is like the rug is pulled out from underneath them.  Like they have lost all hope and what tends to happen is a flight or fight mode.  Until the person sees that they are having the episode, there is nothing that can be done except for being present and speaking with them to break that cycle.

This is not an easy task for those whom have never experienced it before.  It can seem like the person is neurotic or mental when in reality, the button has been pushed and they are deep in the darkness of their past.  I don’t care who you are, triggers happen regardless of all the work you do on it.  When people we love yell at us, when friends get angry, when lovers walk away, when we are in an environment that is toxic (drug, alcohol, bars, funerals, you never really know), it triggers all of the insecurities of past trauma and almost puts the trauma in the driver’s seat. It takes quite a bit of work on the individual’s part to recognize that they are having a bout and have started the cycle of PTSD.

To give an example, my PTSD is anchored in my having been sexually abused from the ages of 8-12 by a priest.  It was the level of abuse that created my issues with PTSD.  I will not go into the details of that, but it is the foundation for how I have made huge miss-steps in personal relationships, not only intimate ones, but work as well.  In my case, sex was validation.  It was done in the name of God, and I was taught that it was LOVE.   I know, try to wrap your head around that one.  Consequently, until I dealt with that abuse, I kept messing up and pushing away anyone that would try to get close to me.  If I wasn’t being “loved” (sex) then I must have done something wrong.  In addition, it made me create abusive relationships and draw abusive relationships to me.  It hid like a shadow for years in my psyche.  It was this elusive thing, I had remembered bits of it but pushed it way back into the depths of my brain and felt like I wouldn’t let that affect or infect me.  However, what I did not know was it already had laid the groundwork for many hard years of struggle, which to this day I am still dealing with.

When times became tough, when I felt as if things were falling apart, I would start lashing out; I would go into survival mode, something I had done since 8 years old.  My inner wounded boy did not want to get hurt again. Let’s be realistic, I am 42 now and that means for 34 years, I have validated much of my life with sex and these survival patterns.  When people didn’t want to be around for whatever reason, my brain created stories that were not real. The rejection set in. When people didn’t want to go out on a date, or when a boyfriend didn’t treat me in a specific way, I would fall down the dark abyss and spiral out until I blew the relationship apart.  Until I had pushed them so far away there was no recovering.  What sucks is the number of amazing people I pushed away before I recognized this was part of my brokenness.  This all stemmed from something which happened so long ago, yet it was running many areas of my life.

Traumas were abundant in my childhood on top of that.  Deaths of friends, grandparents, etc, all added to the psyche madness. Remember, trauma can be from just about anything: abandonment issues from adoption, losing a loved one, rape, sexual assault, being held at gunpoint (and yes, I’ve had that happen), and watching a friend die before your eyes. The list can go on and on.  I think you get the point.

Trauma creates a state of shock.  When that shock hits, we imprint that moment on a cellular level in the body.  Memories are stored not in the brain as much as in the body, in the muscles, etc.  The pain body as Eckhart Tolle would say.  These memories can be reactivated in many ways.  One reason why so many people have long-term physical problems comes from them not dealing with the trauma on an emotional level, only treating the physical body.  Therefore, many people walk through life not ever taught how to deal with emotions or allow themselves to grieve from the trauma.  Many will sit and stew in pain and wonder when they will ever heal but it goes well beyond that.  Our weakest spots gather the trauma and then create many of these dis-eases in us.

Many people will never even recognize their trauma has left a mark.  Many of us push it deep down until the subconscious pushes it up to be healed.  That is exactly what happened in my case.  I attended a funeral for a friend’s mother and it triggered the traumatic response for all of my abuse--I relived it.  And folks, it wasn’t just some simple touching that went on.  It was beyond what any 8 year-old should ever endure or witness.  I had my innocence taken away.  Something you never get back.  All traumas take something away.  They freeze you; lock those moments into you, until the psyche is dealt with.  Most people don’t even realize how much they have locked in their body and head. 

For me, I had to find ways to find people with good touch. I found myself even having to find sexual healers.  Someone I could trust that would touch me in a positive way.   People who made me feel good, not just to get off, not just physically, but mentally.  Before I recognized the PTSD, I found myself basically doing what made others happy, not me.  I was allowing myself to be used, per say, not honored.  I felt that sometimes I just needed to do what I did as a child and allow the discomfort cause that was LOVE. I attracted many men whom I allowed to basically do what they wanted and not even think about what my needs were.  I never really learned how to correct that until just a handful of years ago.  I still fall into that pattern and try ever so hard to find a companion who gets it, one who sees the “larger picture of me”.

So as I know look back on all my relationships, I can see the through line in them. I can see where I would attract abusive partners and friends.  People whom would use me, talk down to me, make me feel less than, and not love me.  This went even into my work life with bosses and co-workers. When they would be abusive, I would create chaos by reacting from the wounded child.  I also saw how I would create the drama when I wasn’t being abused if that makes any sense.  Again, years of “survival” and programs can be hard to recognize and understand until you sit back and truly look deeper at the situations. 

Now for me it was sexual abuse, for many women out there, you understand this.  Also, there are far more men who were molested that have come to terms with it in many other ways, but I also see the ones whom have not addressed it and taken on addictive and abusive personalities or even committed suicide from it.  If you don’t address it, more then likely it will eventually come up in some way, shape or form. The point is to try to be aware and conscious of what you are doing.  Not letting the programs slip in.  Learning to be self-aware in all situations and recognizing what is triggering your reactions.  Learning to respond and not react is key. When someone is trying to speak, take in what they are saying and listen in that moment to the words they are using, not what you think is being said.  Mindfulness.  When feeling the fear slip in, step back and be mindful, paying attention to what is going on and seeing it clearly.  It’s way easier to react and go into “fight or flight” program, as we do not want to be hurt yet again.   

I cannot even imagine what it must be like for those who have lost fellow friends in combat or to lose a limb fighting for what you are told is right.  I cannot even imagine what is would be like to have been beaten profusely as a child or in a battered relationship.  I cannot even imagine what it is to be held at knifepoint and robbed or raped.  The list could go on.  All these things can create the PTSD issues.

PTSD is such a broader spectrum than what we are taught.  We are now only learning about it and how it affects people.  It takes a lot of work to try to regain one’s self after these things. It has taken me almost 7 years from my breakthrough (some call them breakdowns) to finally find myself again.  The Sam I know and love. The one not stuck always in his head but the one who loves to share life with the outside world.  It has not been easy and I know it isn’t over, but with people that care, standing by, watching, and not judging, I am healing and living.  As a support person, it is important to stand witness and take in what is happening and when the cycle is breaking, come forward with what you witnessed and help all of us with PTSD understand what it was we did.  For we cannot see clearly in those times and is why the miscommunication happened in the first place.

Many of you can say, well that isn’t my job to fix you. I am not saying it is. I am saying it is important, and if you care, hold space, witness, take it in, and when the time is right, relay the story of what you saw. Help us through the rubble of the blow up.  Help us to see how we reacted when we didn’t need to.  Help us understand you are not there to hurt us.  Usually, the ones we love are the ones we hurt, regardless of us knowing we do that, it still happens.  I have worked a long time trying to not let this happen but alas, it still does from time to time, just much less frequently and with more understanding each time a cycle happens.

Over time, the cycles tend to become less, if you surround yourself with good people.  This is also very common with addicts.  Witnessing and being available to relay the story, when they are ready to heal.  We want to believe a pill can fix it or some counseling but it goes well beyond a pill. It is cellular trauma which must be worked out through active participation, counseling, being open to learning that it isn’t over and will always be something to keep in check but you can only keep it in check if you open yourself up to healing, not judging.  Be open to breaking down and getting all that crap out of your head, reframing that trauma, so you can be free.  It is conscious work and it is constant work, just like life.  Life takes time.  Everyone wants an instant cure and to avoid dealing with drama and emotions.  Sometimes the drama and emotions you see are really someone asking for help, needing someone to be there to hold his or her hand so we are not scared.

Supporters--be the love you want to receive.  Be the change by being present and available as you can.  We all have full lives and our own issues to deal with but maybe this will help you with some of your friend, co-workers, parents, friends, partners, so much better.  Maybe with a little bit of effort, you can help comfort those who are frozen in the traumas and help them heal as much as they can.  Remember, those of us that have PTSD may not really even know that we are doing things until after we are in it; it is up to you, the supporters, to help guide us to the reality of the moment.

PTSD survivors--Remember to be mindful, be self-aware.  When you are feeling the fear set in, take a deep breath, step back, and see the whole picture.  Remember you are here now, in this time, and the person before you is not the same person whom violated you.  Remember that you will not have another car accident and are capable of living a healthy life.  Remember that life takes time and PTSD is something that is not cured over-night but learned how to be dealt with on a case by case.  Counseling can do wonders, and sometimes, but not always, medication is needed.

For those who have family and friends with this, learn to be compassionate.  Learn to hold space and not react.  I know it is tough.  No one wants to feel emotional pain and this brings that up ten fold.  It is through the outside world that we with this can heal. Through understanding of exactly what is happening and being able to talk us off the ledge, you can help us win.  In the end, it is the feeling of stability and love that wins the race here, not pushing people away and calling them crazy.  Through your witness, we can be set free.  Through your love, we can break these patterns and cycles and become the persons we are meant to be.  

Going A.P.E. – The Art of Actively Participating and Experiencing

Through the years of life to this point, I have come into many times when things seems as though they were falling apart, as if my world was caving in.  Times when it felt like I had no control or that someone was “wronging” me. 

            When I get into those times, when those thoughts start trickling in, I have had to come up with a way to recognize and get myself out of the lower vibration.  I tend to slide into a depression or like the world did not want me around.  It is strange, as that is not my true nature, but this is a battle I have had for years.  Some may say depression, other may say I have expectations, other will project that it’s bi-polar or the PTSD.  Over time I realized it was not one of those things at all.

            It was easy to mask it as depression or anger or some pendulum swinging back and forth of emotions.  People see what they know or what they have been told.  What was really happening was I was shutting down and shutting out the world around me.  I have found myself sequestered for weeks only reaching out via the computer or a text if even.  It’s been a battle my whole life.  Yes, it stems from abuse and so many other life experiences but just when would I find a way to grab it by the balls and not let it affect or infect my life?

            I realized when I was speaking with people I wouldn’t hear everything that was said.  My brain was too busy thinking of the next thing to say.  Of course, when I spoke, what came out tended to be statement about what I was going through and not in response to what the other person was trying to tell me. I wasn’t listening, but I was projecting a crisis.  See, when you are brought up in a life of crisis (abuse, single parent, death of loved ones, etc) a filter is made at how you see the world, or at least there has been a HUGE one for me that is taking years to remove. 

I didn’t recognizing I was broken. What I knew no longer was working and I needed to grow.  Realizing so much of what I had been taught was not how the world worked in reality.  The things I was not exposed to as a child challenged my adult mind.  I was TOLD it was different but experiencing something opposite of what I had been taught!  I hadn’t been actively participating in my life.  Through the trauma’s, I shut myself down and into a submissive being.  I allowed the manipulation of my emotions and even my life with the people and things I had allowed into it.  Even though I thought I had worked on those issues years ago, here they are haunting me again.

            Because of recognizing these patterns in me, I had to find a way to push through to the other side.  I needed to find a way to shift my perception and challenge what I thought I knew.  The words “Go APE” came to me. I laughed.  Was I to go nuts!  Was I to just loose it and freak out!  That actually sounded appealing but after some time of thinking, recognized that would lead me nowhere.

            Going APE…..what was my brain saying?  I thought for a bit.  APE had to stand for something my brain wanted to teach me so I look carefully at the word and let it tell me what it meant. A is for Action (getting off your butt and doing something), P is for Participation (reaching out and asking for help and allowing the lessons take you to what you need to know) and the E representing Experiencing/Exploring  (allowing yourself to take in the entire picture of your situation, not just the narrow view you have been filtering it through).  Actively Participating in the experience, going APE.

            WOW, how simple was that?  As I pondered those words, the past started flooding my mind.  There had been so many situations where I had turned myself off and gave no response or action to what was happening in my world.  I was playing a victim even though I didn’t mean or understand it that way that was the energy I was giving off.  Times when I wasn’t listening but only blabbing about poor me or crying wolf as many would call it.

            The emotions struck me upon that discovery that day.  I knew that one of my major challenges so far had been how to Actively Participate and Experience each and every moment of life.  Learning and growing and actually seeing the world for what it is.  To get out of my head and BE WHERE I AM AT THAT TIME. Truly be present in what the world is trying to teach me and support me with.

            To this day, I slide back into those filters and programs of old.  I am but in the human-suit and takes conscious effort to be present and not just let the programs kick in.  It’s through being present in each moment and not stuck in a past story in your head.  To many of us get caught up on “what should have been” instead of “what is”.

            I encourage you to try out this process.  Let those simple words speak to you when you are feeling defeated, stuck and challenged.  That is the best time to GO APE!  Reach out and Actively Participate and Experience what the world is trying to offer you, in every moment, every step, every second of your being!  Let it show you how to break out of the old and bring you to the higher awareness of your surroundings, into the truth of this moment of now.

Learn to ask questions and listen, when you start to feel yourself move into that shutting down feeling.  That is the time to communicate and reach out. Your spirit is asking for the healing at that time.  Your brain wants to break the cycle and that is why it comes up.  What a more perfect time to GO APE!

            No one has all the answers.  The journey is yours to experience in any way you wish but wouldn’t it be nice having nothing to hold you back?  This is yet another tool to help recognize the blocks weather real or imagined.  So the next time you feel yourself spinning, stop, take a deep breath and see what the APE has to say.

            Looking forward to hearing how it works for all of you.  Again, yet one more tool for your tool box of life.

A is for Action (getting off your butt and doing something, get that energy

moving)

P is for Participation (reaching out and asking for help and recognizing your

Participation in this.  Recognizing the steps you took that got you into these feelings/situation to begin with)

E representing Experiencing/Exploring  (allowing yourself to take in the entire picture

of your situation, not just the narrow view you have been filtering it

through and allowing it to transform those outdated beliefs or blocks)

Time to GO APE!

Oktoberfest in Munich and the dream that changed my life.

Oktoberfest 2004 in Munich was anything but boring.  It was 9 years ago......to the day I had the most life changing dream one could have.  A dream where I could never look back and only step forward with whom I am and what I believe.

I was halfway around the world with a friend traveling for the first time to Europe.  The goal was to do Oktoberfest and then head where ever we felt like.  We had arrived in Munich the last weekend in September which is the LAST weekend where a million people are in town for the festivities.  There is barely a place to walk through the crowds and the beer tents and so many with traditional lederhosen and german Bavarian dress. I remember wandering through the people, the pavilions, 30 of them in all, all different styles of beer.  Each filled with people just having fun.  I don't know that we really ran into anyone annoying at the festival.  Everyone was to busy dancing with their fellow friends and whom ever they could get to dance.

I found it funny, walking around the festival.  I really didn't even want a beer......lol  All the way around the world and didn't even get a beer at Oktoberfest!  Please, don't shoot me because I believe I understood why later.

We wondered through the streets around the festival taking pictures of the gargoyles on the buildings and just enjoying the atmosphere of a different country, a new place to discover all the unique places around our hotel area.  I remember being hyper aware.  It was like electricity walking through town.  Old building which had been blown out in WWII were there, one wall left from the old construction mixed with glass and steel to finish the modern look.  They had found ways to mend the city but not the story.  You must remember, Munich is the city where the 3rd reich took control and started the madness of the war.

As you walked around the town, you can feel the ghosts watching you.  You can see the history before you wether you are sensitive or not.  This is probably, to date, one of the more haunted places I ever have visited.  

After a long day and running around town, we found it best to just grab a pizza from the neighborhood and eat it in the room. I think the only thing we watched was literally like from National Lampoon's European Vacation....I do think it was a show about cheese but then we found MTV Europe with probably saved us that night.

Realizing that we had had a full day, we decided to turn in for the night.  I remember flashes of what I had seen going through my head. The excitement of being in Germany for the first time.  I couldn't wait for the rest of the trip.  Slowly, I drifted deep into a slumber.

Fuzzy, foggy, dark images moving around.  I see them take shape.  I see 2 people fighting and hear them talking about the cocaine and see the gun being waved.  I feel like a fly on the wall watching this happen.  I see the smaller man get hit, beaten actually and then forced at gunpoint.  I keep hearing the word "roommate" and see a house in the woods.  Brief flashes, it is now I realize I am dreaming but cannot wake myself up!  It's like surreal movie in full technicolor.  A house, a barn a shed, unpaved road.........a red vehicle.........and the words "battle at the stoney creek" "happening at home".

Suddenly I sit straight up in beds soaked with sweat and disoriented as to what had just happened.  I was looking around for the room from the dream, but I was somewhere else.  My friend woke up and heard me freaking out and turned on the light. He came over to me and asked what was going on. I finally realized were I was and whom was with me.  The dream was so real, I knew I had to write it down.  So I wrote a few quite notes in my journal and calmed down and get back to bed.  I know that that freaked my friend out. He at the time was beginning to understand these types of things and here I was having full on visions of people being attacked and taken.  All I could do is write it down.

Durring that trip, the dream came back a few times.  I know it made my friend quite uncomfortable as well.  Made him wonder if he was halfway around the world with a crazy guy.  What can you do when spirit gives you a vision like that?  All you can do is tuck it away incase you need to come back to it later.  It was really over the next few months I had to talk with MANY teachers and people about what I was dealing with.  I knew I had seen something that night as it kept coming back with more detail.  My main teacher, Pat Chalfant was such a aid in this story.

It wasn't till months later though, the dream came back very, VERY intensely.  I could talk with one of my sisters about these type of spiritual things but she was trying to learn herself. I ended up asking her if someone back there had went missing or someone had gotten onto trouble that I didn't know about.  It's funny because I do tend to know before I hear about it. She didn't have any clue about this and I remember the knot in my stomach getting tighter. I told her to call me if she thought of anything, anyone cause I knew it was tied to home.  Not home in Los Angeles, but home in Iowa.

6:00 am the next morning my phone rings.............."Sam, Adam went missing back in October".  My body almost doubled over in pain and then what could only be described as a bolt of lightening running through me.  Tears filled my eyes instantly.  I knew this was it!  Adam was the nephew of one of my closest childhood friends.  He had grown up in the same house as his grandmother and grandfather helped to raise him and his sister.  I hadn't seen him in easily 10 or 12 years.  He was like a younger brother in some ways, then I moved away from Iowa and he had moved back East to be closer to his Dad.  How come no one till that day had told me?  WILD.  I knew then and there, all of this information was from Adam.  I could then see clearly everything he was trying to show me.  The fact that I knew he had passed on and couldn't say a thing. I was halfway around the world the day he dis-appeared.  I sat there on my end wondering, just what do I do?

I contacted Pat Chalfant, a spiritualist teacher of mine at the time and told her I needed to chat in person.  She was actually happy to hear the news I had for he as well. Both of us knew that Adam had come to me for many reasons, one, because he recognized me and knew I could relay the information to his family.  Second, this was the way I could no longer deny the gifts handed to me.  After much soul searching I knew the next steps which would be anything but easy.

It was time to contact Adam's family.  I wasn't sure how so I just picked up the phone and did it. I spoke with Adam's grandmother, whom had taken care of me as well like a second mother back in my school days.  I asked her if she had time to chat and told her I didn't know if she believed in this type of stuff.  She said absolutely yes and she wanted anything regarding Adam.  I gave her all the details,  at which point I heard her go silent on the other end of the phone.  After s few seconds, her response to me was the information I gave her seemed to match what the detectives have on the case.  I told her to do what she felt appropriate and let me know.

The next day I receive a phone call form the police about the investigation.  Imagine trying to tell a policeman that you have all the details of this case that you got in a dream while at Oktoberfest in Munich.  Makes things even more interesting.  As I described in detail to the officer what I remembered and had written down, he couldn't believe the accuracy of the details of the event and I had known nothing about him even missing till only a few days prior to the phone call.  I should have never been able to describe the people involved but did with accuracy.  We sat on the phone both not knowing what to say.  Police cannot go to the courts on words of a man whom claims to be psychic.  The took all the information and before you know it, I was flying there to meet with them in person and scope the area and see if anything else sticks out.

The detective wanted to spend time with me and went out of his way to take what should have been his holiday with family and spend the entire day driving around and showing me what he knew of this all.  We got to a property which matched my description to the T. I jumped out of the car and yelled at him "Why in the F%#k have you not gotten a search warrant for here?"  Seems that the only way is to find a way is to connect my missing friend Adam  having been there (the land belongs tot he suspects grandparents with whom he lived with before and after this incident with Adam, he also drove a red car....like I said).  

I told the detective that if he didn't watch out this would happen again on this land.

2 years ago, the suspect waited on the road and stopped his ex girlfriend and dragged her into the woods and beat the crap out of her.  He only stopped when some  the kids in the woods heard her screaming so they called the sheriffs's and the sirens were heard approaching. He told the girl that he wouldn't kill her if she didn't tell anyone about the situation.  The girl never pressed charges cause he is in jail and doesn't want to get involved in that.  So at least the suspect is in jail now........for doing exactly what I said he would, on the same property!  The detective knows the truth but needs that one shred of evidence to go after the suspect.  

9 years later, we sit, trying to get onto the property, trying to find a way to close the chapter on this.  Close the door for Adam's family but hold the suspect accountable for this.  The mainstream world is starting to understand that this is real, very, very real.  The things we are able to tap into are beyond scope and measure.

One day, we will have access to the property and we will lay Adam to rest.  The family needs that. I need that.

Point being, 9 years, 9 years of wondering, 9 years of waiting for an answer, 9 years of having to face this vision over and over again.  I didn't ask for it but for some reason, I get to deal with it.

Everyday is a gift.  A gift from the universe.  We are all interconnect weather you want to believe it or not.  I didn't ask for these dreams or vision but for some reason I got them.  I had to use the information wisely but also clarified the story for the detectives.  By the way, they have had 3 other psychics come up with the same information.  Again, the courts won't recognize "psychic vision" as motivation.

I stand here, to this day and let you all know that the truth will come out.  We WILL close this chapter for the family and friends and make sure that the suspect is never in public again.  

You are never forgotten my friend, I love you and miss you and doing everything from this side of the veil to get this resolved.  One day, the truth will burn through this case like wildfire and all will be put to rest.

Me and Lady Gaga, 42 stories above Chicago that one November day

Please, if you like Lady Gaga, play the video link here:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Abk1jAONjw  (this video does not belong to me just posting as reference)

while reading and picturing this story I wanted to share.......because it was so surreal and bizarre and yes, completely true, you don't make this up. If you hate her, then just imagine, cause you all know the song.

You never know where life will take you or what will motivate you.  Every step is one in the dance of life and learning to remember that in each step, make each one a well choreographed move.

So, many hate on the Lady Gaga but want to tell you all from 42 stories in the air above Chicago, Illinois on that November 28, 2010.  I was sitting in the office of Lloyds of London (yes, the people that insure not only the Queen of England but guess who?  That vatican and catholic church).                                                                                            

Anyway, back to Gaga..........as I sat through and entire morning of bullshit from the lawyers from the Catholic Church trying to bully me for holding them accountable for being abused by the priest.  I was the 26th person in the file with just this one priest.  They had dealt with 20 some other cases.....it wasn't like this was rocket science to any of us.

The morning was nothing but utter grotesque displays from them of how it would ruin the diocese and blah, blah, blah. It was quite intense with my lawyers and parents sitting int eh room.                                                                                    

It now is rounding 2:30 or so in the afternoon, I have been fed up with the bull shit about how I could bankrupt the catholic church and then what would they do..........I told them I needed a minute and made them all sit at the table while I pulled out my headphones and my cell phone, found Lady Gaga and tuned the volume up and listened to this song as I imagined myself dancing in the sky, 42 stories up with no one watching.....I didn't care.  This to me was my break through moment......the simple words.........Just dance, it'll be ok.................  I finished the song and staring out the window, whipped away the few tears in my eye, turned to their lawyer and said "You have a basilica in (un-discolsed town in iowa).  Give me the deed to that and I will piece sell it out on e-bay."

Their eyes looked as they thought I was of the devil!  The point of the story is......they eventually made a deal and they still have the basilica........I never could have bankrupted them..........and guess what......everything was alright and truly, it was the "energy" in that song, "it'll be ok......just dance".

I remind myself daily of that......to just dance......even  42 stories in the air at one of the most curial times in my life........I sat there and listened..........for me.  And no one had a clue what I listened too that day until now......lol  How funny is that?

Just Dance.

Writing the next chapter: Earth, Fully Realized.

A friend/mentor/amazing teacher, had written on her wall on Facebook that she was taking her family to Peru to engage in the Mayan energies of 2012.  She wrote a small bit I'd like to share with you all:

"I leave for Peru on Tuesday. I am eager to engage in the Mayan energies of 2012. To me these are the greatest years in human existence. They play a tremendous part in why I incarnated in this lifetime expression. These energies are for the Pathfinders; the shamans, the healers of the 21st century. They have never existed before for humans. We are hovering at an apex and moving into uncharted territories. As of Dec.21,2012 the Mayan, Tibetan, Hopi, and Lakota prophecies STOP, there are no more prophesies. Our ancestors have built monuments, temples, and pyramids that reflect the significance of this time trying to emphasize to us, the descendants, to not take this time lightly. It is monumental. Astrologically, the stars have been studied and read to forecast this event and religious documents from a variety of sources have referenced this time and its significance. I am going to Peru to work with the descendants. To be actively involved in the creation of the New Earth I feel is being birthed. I ask for your support, your love and your attention to this time."-Jan Engeles-Smith

I share this in hope that more will stop for a moment and truly think about the times we are in.  I have stated this sentiment before that all of the old prophecies STOP here and now.  No more systems of belief, no more construct.........simply they all end.  As I watch the world in chaos I wonder if these endings are having a effect on the state of affairs in the world?

I have been in this space for years now wondering when someone will WRITE the next chapter of this existence.  IF they all stopped, maybe it means it's OUR TIME to write the next paradigm?  Maybe WE ARE the modern prophets, modern medicine men, modern shamans, the new teachers, the masters.  

MAYBE EVERYTHING WE KNOW OR HAVE BEEN TOLD IS NOW THROWN OUT THE WINDOW AND WE ALL SIT TOGETHER AND WRITE THE NEXT PHASE OF THIS EARTHLY EVOLUTION.......just maybe.

I dare now ask the question, "What is your next chapter?  What is your next understanding and what is it based upon?"  Remember, EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT ENDS............

WOW, I guess that means we get creative and paint our own pictures, write our own stories, build our own temples and mego-lithic structures and move society forward the way we choose  but I guess I am getting ahead of my self here a bit too.  Just what is it we are fighting for?  What is it we are wanting?  Maybe if we write the chapter and just all let go realizing there are 7 billion people all trying to live.  All alive in this time for a reason, a purpose, a understanding of writing the next chapter.

There is no more PURE anything, meaning pure race, pure breed of animal, etc. everything has evolved or been bred in a way that we are now a mix blend of everything ever on this planet! It's time to stop the religion, stop the belief structures, stop everything we know and learn how to BE in THIS MOMENT OF NOW away from the old stories from the past.  Not only what we have been taught, but what we have come to believe about ourselves.  The time is now.  The time for the healers, the dreamers, the weavers, the chosen ones to come forward and write the next chapter as a whole, ONE, united as a human race.

This reminds me of the words of so many philosophers, song writers, of our days and well before.  I will not go into the lyrics from "Imagine" for we all know them.  I will not quote Socrates or Aristotle or leave passages from the bible or Quran here.  Instead, I will leave you with these words by a modern day philosopher/shaman/prophet-me-"7 billion people on this planet and when will we ALL learn to dance while we are in this same room?"

Maybe a little neighborly love and some compassion, a pinch of trust and understanding WE CAN DO THIS!  Be the weavers of the next dream catcher for the world, be the chosen one's, the dreamers, the dream!

Now GO, write your next chapter, I know I am;-)

My World I Know

My World I know

May 17, 2010 By Samuel Bowling

Whispering in the wind,

The world comes crashing in,

Eye connect,

The stars collide,

Cosmos of explosion,

Revolutions,

Never knowing the truth,

Who’s really right for whom?

Two Super Novas combine,

One hell of a good time,

A new universe unfolding,

So take my hand, this time and be,

Together with me,

Though our eternity,

One more night alone,

I cannot stand!

Take this pain,

Wash it from my hands,

I must believe in you and you in me,

Forever will be,

Entwined,

Times come when everything has changed,

Your heart crushed,

I can feel the pain.

Playing along,

It’s all you know,

You keep buying the tickets,

Always the same show,

Let go and be,

Here with me,

Right now,

For I know,

It’ll only be for so long,

I know someday you’ll go,

But what we have is now,

Time to create our own show,

Cause when your here,

When you are near,

My life flows in motions,

To believe I can see,

A future so clear,

With you right next to me,

So let’s take another chance across the  dance floor,

Exit through the chaos,

Leave before the act is over,

Be in our time together,

Release the fear as it shows,

You are my companion,

Through destiny or fate?

Or something we choose to create,

I don’t care to know,

Just glad you’re here now,

Part of the world I know.

Death to a Catholic Altar Boy

New to blogging but I am going to try to post something at least weekly, maybe more often. I am treating it as a living diary style. You never know what I will post, it will be up to the muse of the day. If anyone has questions or comments or ideas and questions about the spirit world, that is why I am here. to open the doorways of understanding and exploring my world with anyone wishing to explore with me.

This was written a few months ago and may explain many things some of you have been wondering over the past few months. It's a huge process I am in the middle of. I felt like sharing from the beginning of the process as it has unfolded. I will post more about this and many other things.

Death of a catholic Altar boy April 5th, 2010

At 36, just weeks shy of my 37^th birthday, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster over something which happened some 25 plus years ago. Being raised Catholic, was a huge part of whom I am and how I am drawn today. I was an altar boy from as early as I can remember. My mother would always encourage me to be there incase someone didn’t show up. I was the ever-faithful fill in when those other boys stopped serving as altar servers. It was what God wanted me to do right? Serve the church, and what better way then by helping out the priest, the holy man. The priest was a mystical being almost, one whom could do no harm. One you went to when your faith was shaken, when moral questions arose, when you did things you needed to confess for all the wrong doing which you as a human would inevitably do. I always found the guilty plea a weird thing, it never felt right. Why did I have to tell someone about what I did, why couldn’t it just be between God and I? I still to this day question that approach by the church. I realized a long time ago, that 2 people can keep a secret if one of them is dead. We are humans, things will come out when we least expect it. I guess even with Father Reiss dead, the story still needs to surface and be released.

So at the age of 8 or so, I cannot even remember, I was signed up to become a altar boy, asked to serve God side by side with the priest. It was an honor to do and be asked. The awkward boy in me was finally picked! I had something that made me feel special, something that made me stand out above the rest. Being a altar boy was no small task. It meant knowing exactly when to do what in the service. It was a job. God had chosen me, asked me to be one of his own. I remember thinking that I would someday be a priest and this was just the beginning. As time went on, I was asked to do so many special things by the priest. He would ask me to stay after mass and help him clean up. He would tell my parents he would bring me home after a bit. They said I should stay and help and it was the right thing to do. Little did I understand at that time just what would unfold next and I would bury away for some many years to come.

During those times of helping out the priest after mass, I remember things getting strange but again, it was all for God right. There were times when he would take us back to his house right by the church and have us help him around the house. I have shattered memories of his bedroom as well and the things that went on in there. Maybe it was the hand on my thigh and groin or the rubbing he did of his penis with my hand, I don’t really know but for some reason, I felt like it was what I was suppose to do, that only the special ones got to do this. I think about now how he loved to hug front to front embracing the child to his waist. Only now can I see the twisted body language. Father was wonderful about giving us special treats as well as the years went on. I remember drinking small slugs of alcohol and he even allowed the older boys to smoke. He said it was part of growing up. It wasn’t until one night, when in a car back to my house that he reached down into my lap and I realized that this was not to be happening. I urinated my pants in that moment, in the front seat of his car, with his hand on my groin, a completely wet hand he got this time for grabbing me. I felt my heart race as to what he would do next. He played it off like nothing had happened. I remember him patting my leg telling me it was ok and then we arrived home. I snuck into the house so no one could see my wet pants and ran into the back laundry room where I new there would be a clean pair of pants. I knew no one would really notice. I changed and came back out into the living room and like I said, no one noticed a thing. I was able to cover up the change and I remember nothing ever being said by Father Reiss or myself after that.

I remember as the years went on, I asked my parents many times if I could stop being a altar boy, if I could be normal. My mother being so religious said absolutely not. She said it was a honor and that I should be happy that God has asked me to do that. What she didn’t know was the confused boy whom had now been in appropriately touched for how many years now. How many times had Father Reiss asked me to stay after, how many times was I fondled and made to do things which were of “service to God”.

I know, it was not the church who did this to me, but it was the church that didn’t hold him accountable till may years later. I believe Father Reiss actually died from being beaten to death some years later and no one knows why. I do, someone finally snapped. Someone said enough already and gave him what was coming. Did he deserve that? I don’t know, its not for me to judge but I know I didn’t deserve what it has done for me in my entire life and now some years later, haunts my every thought. I have had to find ways to push it out as to not affect or infect my thoughts.

I have dealt with abuse from others, releasing the pain and the trauma of the past. I have let so much go and tried to regroup my life so that I would never repeat those horrible things that happened to me. It has taken 18 years of being out of my parents home to forgive so much of what went on as a child. Things they never saw, things they may have had a clue about and things that they ultimately did to scar my memories.

I love them, they did what they knew, the best they knew, but what does that have to do with me today? Why does it all come raging out today so many years later? I guess it is true, they say truth will set you free. The truth will release you from the pains of the past. I am enraged now, so many years later but finally am able to process through this final abuse. I never wanted to mention it so I didn’t ruin my mother’s faith. I wanted to protect her. So loaded, this entire thing is.

Something said it was time, time to tell my story, to report the abuse. I spoke with a friend of mine whom has been allowing me to sofa surf at his house for a few months now. He has been trying to get me motivated and out of my funk. This all come up around the Vatican with holding information about sexual abuse in the church for years. He was right. The time had come, the time to release this once and for all. To let everyone know that it was not ok and that something needs to be done.

I do wonder about many things I have chosen in my life through all of this. Gee, all of this in the name of God. No wonder people run screaming from religion and holy people. Is that the reason I have searched my entire life for something more, a God or source that provided healing and abundance to life?

Is this the reason I cannot have a filling relationship? Is it the reason I don’t allow people in to close? Is this why I push those I love further away, to not be hurt by them? Will I ever find someone to share this time with, the dance of life, nothing more then passing the time and enjoying each other for what we are now, not what we were? I guess that’s why they call it the journey, to allow it to unfold and know we will be right where we need to be when the time is right. I don’t know, I am pretty much over it if you ask me. Do I disown my parents or love them more for their humanness? Do I walk away from everything I know and say to hell with it and realize that only I can create my happiness, nothing else, past present, future can effect me. How does one own something like this? Stay tuned I guess.